that thing you get sometimes.

I really need to update events, but I want to take this post a little differently today. However in the meantime you can get by with the general updates: it's snowing like crazy, Thanksgiving was wonderful, I'm freezing, I'm full of love, my hair is a little longer, my jeans are a bit tighter, and I'm learning something new every day- be it language or life.

Tonight my host sister and I finished the evening off by watching "Nim's Island". There was a really profound and brief dialogue in the beginning that strung some chords for me. The daughter asked her father if people were born with courage, and he responded with:

The thing about courage is...
it's somethin' that we have to learn
and relearn our whole lives.
You know, it's not just in you.
It's in every choice we make,
each and every day.

Sometimes I get caught up in self disappointment- I forget that I have the entire 11 months to become fluent and that even though I am understanding much more and speaking more easily, that it is ok for me to not be 100% right now. That my only real goal is to come home with the experience of a life time. I just want people to be proud of me so badly that I forget they already are. The whole exchange process happened so fast that it felt like I was talking about how great this opportunity would be, and the next I was packing my suitcase. It is December already, I can't believe it.

With the Australians leaving in a month it made me a tiny bit jealous that they would be home. But, it also got me thinking. I am really happy here. It's a different happy than I've felt before. It's not a radiating "I'm in love" happy, or a "new clothes" happy, or even a "HaHAA" happy, but a "my life is so challenging and rewarding/I can't believe I'm here" happy. I will be really sad to leave in June. I'll miss my friends, my new family, hearing French, the general liberalness, and not hearing "y'all" or your average American slurs. Even though I'm not fluent yet, this life just makes so much sense to me. Recycling, public transportation, the worldliness. I feel so connected to the world here- Germany is my neighbor, Australia has a sassy attitude, France is a couple hours away, England is just across the pond. It's amazing how involved my life has become. My recollection of living in the States has turned into a feeling of walled-in ignorance. In addition, we watched a documentary on the Trinity church doing a "Hell House" where people pay to see horrible situations acted out- the purpose to show you the horror of hell. It made me so angry to watch it when kids ran out of the building crying and people cornered and converted. I understand the intention, but I don't believe in scaring people into religion. My childhood felt like that- more fear God than know His grace, don't learn but repeat what you read, being told what is right and wrong, condemning people by their actions and not their hearts.

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with courage (or maybe you've already decided I've settled on rambling), and this is the paragraph in which I fill you in:

Every day we make a decision to be, or not to be, courageous- in varying degrees, of course. Whether it's deciding to brave walking in the snow, wear an outfit we aren't sure fits our body well, apply for a job, tell someone the truth, save a life, etc. And in my nearly 4 months here I have dealt with the one thing I find the hardest on a daily basis: daring to be wrong. I am a proud person and take pride in the things I do, be it artistic or academic. I'm a perfectionist. If I write my name on something it bloody will be the product of the absolute best I can do. And every day I say a million things wrong, but I keep my head up and keep trying. It's a courage I've never needed before. Some days I have trouble mustering more than the day before, but the fact that I am here living in Belgium gives me strength. I've already made this jump.

I'm here.

You don't realize the strength of an exchange student until you are one. Leaving your home and 'self' in hopes of discovering a new and wonderful life. I say 'self" because in Manhattan I was someone. I was Mollie Bieber. Here, I am the exchange student. Not someone's daughter, sister, employee, girlfriend, student. My abilities undiscovered, my associations unknown. It's being stripped of everything and standing completely naked. It's terribly frightening and exciting at the same time.

This is the most courageous thing I have ever done (but hopefully not "will do"- I have high expectations for my future), and when I return home and tell you of my adventures I will be humble and nonchalant. I won't tell you of the occasional nights I missed home so much I couldn't breathe, how frightened I was to come here, or how difficult it was to adjust to being an alien. But I will tell you how rewarding each and every moment was.

We coexist in this life and it'd be a shame to waste it solely trying to get from point A to point B. So stretch your wings a little bit. Be courageous. Dare to be wrong. And in the process make great friends, discover who you are and the things you can accomplish.